Monday, October 06, 2008

Christian weirdos in Kingston

Guess what, I went for a walk with two guys (one gay, one straight) along the shoreline of Lake Ontario in Kingston. Here is how we became victims of a vicious Christian ambush. Three youngish women (perhaps teenagers) surrounded us.

They had been thoroughly trained to identify 'sinners' and make them repent. So, they asked us whether we all believe in God (at which point my slightly smarter and faster German friend quietly disappeared in the direction of the water, aiming to demonstrate that he can walk on the same).

Well, I have lived in anglosaxon countries for a bit too long, so I am a tad bit politer, even when I interact with weirdos. Anyhow, the God gals went over their cue cards and explained to us that God loves us. They knew that they were speaking to gay guys, and we all know what God thinks of gay guys, don't we? Well, God supposedly loves us because God loves all sinners (to be fair, that makes sense to me, because - from what I gather - sinners live kinda more interesting lives then those who manage to live without sin, so why shouldn't God love the more adventurous crowd?). Well, eventually the God girls decided to go for the kill. They realised that probably the self-identified atheist gay guy (your's truly) might run away, screaming in mental anguish. So they resorted to grabbing my friend's and my hand. There we stood in a circle holding hands. (Honestly... I was looking for a hidden camera somewhere as it was all too farcical to be true!) Straight guys would probably have loved that scene, reasonably attractive young women holding hands with two guys they never met before in their whole lives, at the Lake shore, the sun going down, you get the picture. Back to the God squad going for the kill... - One of the girls started reading a kind of confession, and asked God for forgiveness from another one of her cue cards. She asked us every few lines to repeat after her. It was truly hilarious. I duly repeated after her the stuff about sinners and forgiveness and God loving me (I never met God, but they seemed quite certain that God really loves me, so who was I to argue with them???).

So, beware, if you're wandering along Lake Ontario in Kingston, Ontario, and you go peacefully about your business (eg enjoying the tranquility of the lake), there's odd Christian weirdos out there hassling you for no particular reason. They also think it's perfectly appropriate to invade your space and privacy. No big surprise in that, I suppose, seeing that were on a mission. They invited me and my friend to meet the rest of their forgiving crowd during church times. It didn't seem to occur to them that their sanctimonious self-rightous bull*#@# could sensibly be construed as highly offensive by halfway educated people who don't think about sex among consenting adults in terms of sin but in terms of fun. As most selfrighteous people, however, they seemed very comfortable about their own holiness.

Kingston beware! Nobody knows how many of them have been let loose by their local pastor. I think Tourism Kingston ought to warn visitors coming to town that there is Christians out and about that are on a mission. May be some kind of Christians-on-a-mission alert? Telling tourists that there is no need to call the mental health services or the police. These Christians are harmless. They will leave eventually.

5 comments:

  1. I like how the missing hyphen in "self-righteous" spells out "fright" -- an appropriate reaction when one is attacked by theists.

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  2. Warning signs on the lake shores would be a good idea, Udo. Perhaps you could have a red-orange-green system like they have for pollution on beaches. Or perhaps they could close the shores when the evangelists have been spotted - like when the shark is lurking in 'Jaws'.

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  3. Came through via stumbleupon. Yes, I would have loved 2 beautiful women love bombing out of the blue but the distortions of religious rhetoric would have had me in a very awkward position. I'd be looking to run far, far away. But I'm sure many guys have gone along further with these women patrolling the shoreline in hopes they could "score."

    Be careful about telling too many of these types of your sexuality which is nothing to be ashamed of obviously. But they will cling to you even more thinking you need to be "saved." Total mess.

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  4. I would have asked for their personal numbers so that we could get better aquainted with god.

    and then I would've laughed and laughed and laughed...

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  5. watch out for emails from the weirdest woman-"preacher" named Anne Robare, email address.canawedding@aol.com. She bombarded our church web site with email after email, even though we formally asked her to cease with threst of Police action, all totally ignored. Avoid this individual at all costs!

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